“2 Queers & A Bitch” in New York City: A Review

Ahhh, the joys of Christmas in New York! The dozens of drunk Kris Kringles puking in the streets at SantaCon… The walls of shopping tourists pushing, shoving, gawking at the display at Macy’s on 34th Street, and making you late for your 7PM booty call… The fear of running out of your black market Xanax just before the family gatherings… And of course, no Yuletide season would be complete without a full aural assault from our Mariah (“Ms. Carey” if you’re nasty breast-plasty!). One way or another, that over-played song will find you… “Make my wish come true! All I want for Christmas is YOU!”

SHUT UP, BITCH!

Sorry, I’m just bitch-ing. And while we’re on the subject… In case you didn’t gather from its name, 2 Queers & A Bitch, which both shocked and delighted audiences at Manhattan’s beloved cabaret hotspot Don’t Tell Mama on Friday, December 9th, was NOT your grandma’s Christmas show. That is unless, of course, your grandma would dig jokes about anal sex and enjoy a poem by Tym Moss called A Bisexual on the D.L.’s ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas’. How many holiday shows can brag about being sponsored by Uberlube, the self-described “luxury lubricant” which not only makes sex better, but can also tame that nasty frizz and condition those yucky split ends? (As Mr. Moss pointed out, “Use it on your hair to go out and find that man, and then go home and use it again to keep him!”) And who needs the Three Kings when you have Moss, Ike Avelli, and Robynne Kammil holding royal court? 2 Queers & A Bitch offers a variety show full of comedy, music, videos, an audience participation lip sync-a-thon/wig show, and… gift bags! Yes, you heard that right: There was free shee-at, people!

Ladies first! And our lady of the night was the amazing comedian, author, producer, and “advice diva” (!) Robbyne Kaamil. After giving the audience the real story of a famous little orphan girl named “Annie” (Here’s the real truth, peeps: Annie was a little black girl named Shaquanda living in the Marcy House in Brooklyn. They made her a redhead, but kept the Afro…), she offered some priceless advice for her fellow sisters about finding happiness— or at least finding some love action! But don’t expect a touchy-feely stage version of Dr. Phil. In all of her fabulously street-smart, outer borough-style glory, Kaamil tells it like it is. She encourages all the single ladies to deal with matters of sex on MEN’S terms— in other words, raw and raunchy! Kaamil packs an infinite number of deliciously dirty (and hilarious) verbal torpedoes into her act, concluding her some ageless words of wisdom from Santa himself: “Ho, ho, ho!” And, I’m convinced that no one except our Robbyne Kaamil can use the term “furgina” (Or was it “FUDGINA”?) with more conviction (I ain’t gonna tell you what that means. Ask your grandma…)

So much for the self-proclaimed “Bitch from the Bronx”! Now it was time for… the two Queers! Multi-hyphenate performer (singer/actor/producer/internet radio show host) Tym Moss performed two songs, one of which was his catchy original I Love New York at Christmas from the 2012 play Girl, a Lopsided Tree Won’t Ruin Christmas. It became an instant crowd sing-along. He also gave a touching rendition of the enduring classic Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. At the risk of sounding schmaltzy (and coming from a writer who got to hear Judy’s own daughter Lorna Luft perform the song live two years ago…), I have to say that Moss’ version conjures up that rare vibe of old-school Christmas spirit that transcends the generations. When he croons that iconic verse “Hang a shining star upon the highest bough…”, you really feel it in “le cœur”… and when he follows up our anticipation with “And have yourself a merry little Christmas… now!”, it would make any Grinch’s heart grow three sizes. In other words, this guy can sing!

Next up was handsome funnyman Ike Avelli. After warming up the audience with current event and celebrity jokes, he performed his own renegade rendition of Christmas Time is Here from A Charlie Brown Christmas (complete with Mr. Brown’s trademark zigzag shirt!), which may as well be subtitled “The Ballad of the Rentboy”. By the way, guys: If one of your new year’s resolutions is to find a husband, Ike is single. Just saying…

True to its name, 2 Queers & A Bitch offers fabulously queer sensibility and divine bitchery throughout. The audience loved it, and the lighting at Don’t Tell Mama was dimmed just enough to conceal any blushing from any attendees who may have bought tickets that night expecting an evening of Stephen Sondheim. A special shout-out goes to Tyrone Desperado, who substituted as sound man at the last minute when the original tech guy got tied up with a parole violation. As I said before, this ain’t your grandma’s Christmas show… but it is the perfect holiday treat for all the hot daddies and sexy mamas on your “Naughty” list!

2 Queers & A Bitch, the holiday edition, continues on Sunday, December 18, 2016 at 8PM at Transmission in Jersey City, New Jersey . Visit www.2QueersAndABitch.com for more info.